What's wrong with me?

Despite talking this all out with her, I still feel the same as before; dread and emptiness. How do I fix this? How do I go back to having the passionate relationship I used to have with her? What do I do? Do I tell her exactly whats bothering me? That I've lost the motivation?

I can't do what I used to. I don't feel possessed to do these incredibly romantic things anymore. Sometimes I feel like they're all for naught, or I'm forcing them out, or they just don't feel right to do. I'm still a child about it all. I have no idea what's going on with me. Is it the season? Or is there really an underlying problem?

*sigh* I want to make love to her, in a way she'll never forget, the best she's had, and please her like no one else before. I want to give her my heart, and make her friends jealous of what I can do for her, but at this point in my life, I don't feel like I can. I can't provide for her like she deserves.

That's how I feel. Empty. Alone. Hollow.

I feel so alienated...

Maybe it's just me and my personality. Should I be more open? Do I try too hard against the coming tide, so in the end I just come out looking like a cynical asshole? Getting out tonight helped...I shouldn't mourn myself into a brooding depression. Negative energy does not aide negative energy. I have to be positive for Bogi, so his energy can find it's way back to the planet, or to the next life.

But yet tonight, with all my friends, I felt out of place. Maybe I'm still in the sad state before finally moving on? Even worse...all my friends were giving gifts, and two of them gave me something. Enough to make me feel bad...I hate not having money or a job, and I hate it more when people expect me to have money and be rich. I'm like the poorest kid out of my group of friends, yet just because I wear good clothes, they think I'm just some upper middle class white kid. They fail to realize all of my clothes are hand me downs from my brother who gets most of his clothes from department stores he's worked at.

I need to get out of this town. I need to get out and see the world, and make a new impression on new people. My girlfriend thinks its so easy to just change who I am. Well, I mean she knows it can't happen instantly, but she doesn't realize I can't change. I can't change from something people have always known me to be. I just need to leave and close this chapter of my life.

A part of me has died today...never shall it return.

This morning, our parrot Bogi died. My parents say it was viral, something sudden we couldn't have prevented. I still feel guilty, though. I neglected him the past few days because I was so twisted up in my own selfish concerns...and now he's gone. Bogart Shaw has passed this world.

I feel empty. I cried my eyes out till I fell into an uneasy sleep. Then I woke up, and cried as I had to bury him. No more will we hear his chirping or squaking. It seems so silent in the house. He was supposed to live. He was supposed to see me through college, and my children were supposed to see him. He was more than 20 years old, but he still had another 30 years....I hate this feeling so much.

Now christmas is coming up and all I want to now is something I can't have; to go back in time and spend just a little more moments with Bogi. My girlfriend wants me to go to some christmas party tomorrow night with some friends...I think I'm just gonna stay home. I should get out, but I just feel like I can't, like it's not right. Maybe I should go...sleep could settle some of this.

All I know is that things are different. I won't be wholly the same as I used to.

I don't understand women sometimes...no, I don't understand women alot of the time.

So I'm sarcastic, huh? Too cynical? A smartass? Sorry, honey, but you haven't been, and I doubt you will be, the one to motivate to be a completely different person. You've awakened the romantic, but that's something I always do for anyone I care about. The next step would to be to change who I am utterly. I've rearranged other things to suit some demands, but in the end, I am who I am.

In the end, we are who are. You aren't the one truly meant for me, though you are one I was meant to share time with. Destiny does not happen; we make it happen. I cannot change who I am for you because I do not see the point. A year from now? We'll most likely be going our seperate ways. Me to Colorado, you to stay here or go to Austin. We're very much alike emotionally...we do relate, but I suppose understanding isn't there. In the end, our paths are not the same. They will diverge, but we must take what we can now to help us in the future.

Where does the path split? Or does it end? Time can only tell.


More troubles with the lady friend as you can see. Its times like these where I know we're not meant for one another. I don't regret having sex with her. I wasn't saving it for just one person, just someone I love. So happens to be she is one of those I love, but not the person I love. I'm glad I lost my virginity now, even to her. It gave me a sense of reality, realism to it all. I made love to a person who I love, but cannot be with forever. It helps to understand that in our life there are many people we can people, but eventually we will find that one...before them all or after them all.

Do not trust to hope, but do fight for it, for that is the essence of what hope is.

*sigh* I keep telling myself this everyday.

What to do?

Sitting here on my new cordless keyboard. Getting so many new and cool gasgfets for my computer. The price I pay? Not being able to use it half the time...ah well. I have it now and pretty soon it's back to writing. Surely not playing Neverwinter Nights since I finally beat it. BOO-YA!

It's odd to read the previous entry as I write this. It sort of makes me think...

The past month has been great. Since Halloween, my days have grown brighter...yet still there is always an ever-looming shadow behind it all. I can't do anything about it now; just have to flow with the current until I know what the hell is really going on.

One Act, a play competition held statewide is coming up in three months. I got the main male lead, not surprisingly. It's kind of pompous to say that, but it is sort of true. The male actors here are good, but only high school good at this point. I've grown more affirmed in my abilities, and that's actually helped me improve. I know I'm good, and as my character goes, I'll keep pushing that limit. So yes, I am the Ragpicker in The Madwoman of Chaillot. Overall it ends up being a supporting role compared to the lead female, but it will give me a shot at that best actor award. As for us advancing? It's a predominantly female play, and we lost our best actresses last year. The one's now...well, if we want state, we're going to have to push them beyond their limits, teach them new skills, etc.

My play is coming along well. In about a month we're having a production composed of several skits. Amongst doing the Riddles in the Dark scene from The Hobbit (Myself being Gollum) Mr. Lowe, my theatre teacher, is allowing me to do a scene from my play as sort of a teaser to the whole play I'm going to do before graduation. It's about a seventh of the way done, but soon it will all be written. Still need to come up with a title though...

Sara and I have grown closer. Though in the back of my head there's still the doubt of us continuing this once I'm in college, we still love each other deeply. I love her...in a way that angers me. I'm growing closer when I know it can't possibly workout. Do not trust to hope but do fight for it, as I always say.

This week has sucked so much. What better way to top it off? Having abso-fucking-lutely nothing to do on the possible last Halloween I will be spending here in Texas, and most likey with the friends I have here in Texas. I'm trying to keep calm but I'm the verge of just snapping and going crazy.

My friends' plans were changed to go to this Halloween theme park in Waxahachie called SCREAMS. But my g/f's car can't make it so they're taking only one car, but it ended up being me, her, Lindz, Mandi, Kevin, and Megan, so one of us would have to go. Not really, but it is Lindz's car and it is her choice. So I just decided not to go. They're all going for Rocky Horror. That's how they referred to it. Not as the theme park, but as an event held at the theme park. I'm the one person in the group who hates Rocky Horror so I just decided not to go.

Way to go...shows how much my friends care for and are willing to compromise for me. Fuck them!

So now I'm doing nothing for Halloween. No awesome samurai costume anymore (which almost makes me want to cry). No anything...this week sucks. Why do I keep these kind of friends? Why do I date a girl who to the outside world seems a complete and total polar opposite to me? Why despite all my efforts to do anything, they all end up for naught?

I hate my life. I hate my friends right now. I hate everyone. I can't wait to graduate and leave this hell whole and all of these close-minded fuckheads I call friends. Bah! Leave me alone!

Bah! I'm in such a horrible mood right now...

Yeah, you guessed it, her...

Why the fuck were we all created to eventually reproduce? I would not be in the shit I am today if I didn't have to worry about women. Sara wants to have sex so bad...she keeps pressuring all the time, whenever we start snuggling, or making out, she always says something like "You can't believe how much I want you in me..."

*sigh* No I'm not gay It's just...I don't know. I thought things were going to be different. I always hopes my first time would be with someone I love dearly (one check), in the heat of passionate love (second check), and it would be the most romantic thing ever (oooh! swing and miss). With Sara...the romanticism just doesn't seem to be there. Everytime I do something romantic for her, i never gets reciprocated. Nothing passionate or romantic happens then, and she never trys to get in that romantic mindset later. She's all contemporary, desensitized by sex and stuff, with no hold, grasp, or appreciation for old-fashioned chivalry.

So whenever she brings up sex, she says it so plainly. Literally she talks about wanting to have sex like: "So when do you wanna fuck?" *sigh* Like I said before, I want a woman who is a crazy girl, but who readily can turn into that pile of girly girl much when a guy does something romantic for her. I'm dating a girl who thought she was in love with a guy who had no feelings for her, kind of a sleeze bag, and has no sense of romanticism. Girls my age have romantic ADD. THey think they know what love and romanticism is, but when it hits them dead in the face, they're oblivious.

Well hello there, stranger. Haven't talked with you in awhile, now have I?

Let's see, what is there to say? Not much really. The trouble with the missus is down to nilch. I told her everything I planned to tell her, exactly how I fealt.  It was definitely a weight off my shoulders. I don't know how she exactly feels, even after telling her all of this stuff more than a week ago.  There is something there, something underlying that I just can't wuite pick out at the moment. Oh well, nothing to fret about. I won't worry myself over some girl at this point in my life. It's pretty much true to what my sister said: Boyfriends or Girlfriends are just hobbies you have in your life and they should never completely absorb it.

I don't know what's going to happen between Sara and I. We've been dating for a little over 7 months now. The other day I surprised her with flowers and a full meal when she came over because she was having a hard week. Just trying to do something nice for her...but I don't know, sometimes when I do stuff like that for her, I feel like it's going unappreciated. I know she like's it, but she doesn't reciprocate that to me. I love crazy girls, way more than I do girly girls, but it makes me feel really good inside when I can make a crazy girl like Sara get all giddy like a girly girl from something I've done and just make them wanna be in arms. *sigh* I'm just a simple, old-fashioned romantic with simple needs.

Besides that underlying frustration, there is the obvious one. I haven't been really intimate with Sara for close to three weeks. There always seems to be something that screws it over, like the other night...her stomach was upset, and I can't even remember what hindered us the rpevious times, so yeah. Bit of sexual frsutration pent up. And it's been at least a month since we've been intensely sexual or intiment with one another. Used to be during the summer she was all set to want to have sex with me, but now?

Not actually saying I would with her...my whole idea with who my first was going to be was that it would be romantic and all that good stuff, and your feelings between would have made it all the sweeter. Now? I dunno, but it seems like the flare and appeal have all but disappeared entirely.

Oh how mine loins acheth.

And I've been feeling really bad about this lately.  Recently I've been having reoccuring uhhh, fantasies you might say about other girls. I can name at least three off the top of my head. I think this is in part due to the large amount of sexual frustration I am enduring. My worst worry, that I might act on it, which is the cardinal of all sins in a relationship. Damn, I so could have been a player in my lifetime. With these dashing good looks and boyish charm? Hells yes...

Shutup...leave me to my denial and delusions.

Other than that, everything is pretty quiet on the homefront. A play and the SATs in two weeks. Three scholarships I have to complete soon...another one I'm really worried about because it could mean $5000 in my pocket or down the drain. If I could only get $20,000 in scholarships, I'd be set for at least one year of college at CSU, and if I could get at least one year free with scholarships, I know I could get through college with little to no debt.

I also have a play I really need to start writing dialogue to. I somewhat have a stage outline/direction written down but it needs dialogue and I need this written up before christmas break in a month and a half. That way I can present in to my theatre teacher, get it approved, and have it ready to start rehearsing around February or March. I need at least two good months of rehearshal in my mind for it to be decent, and more time to also produce a set with proper props, costumes, and sets. If I'm allowed one thing in theatre, this would be the biggest. It would be something no one else at Waco High has ever done, and probably one of the most spectaculr plays ever performed here. A two hour long epic filled with love, comedy, drama, and fight scenes that would last anywhere from 30 seconds to six minutes. Basically, a dramatic movie made for the stage. I'm so close; If I just get the script written up, Mr. Lowe can't deny me the opportunity. I just need his approval and Mr. O'Bryant's to use actors from both classes and ample time to work with both and I can promise them a play like no other.

Too much exitement. Mustn't let it get to my head or overwhelm me. Plan everything one step at a time. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to let my imagination run wild while listening to the sountrack to Pirates of the Carribean. By the by, anyone know when that's coming out on video and dvd?