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10.8.2003
The Truth Shall Set You Free
Women...
Can't live with 'em, gotta be gay without 'em.
I think Sara and I have hit that point in all relationships where there is a great trial and tribulation to overcome, and it either strengthens the relationship giving it newfound vigor, or utterly destroys in a possible blaze of bitter flame and hatred. You guys that have been in love before know what I am talking about.
Things have been weird for me lately. Her problem right now is my weirdness and distance, which is true. The issue at hand is me, because I'm wavering. I think some of this is partially due to the fact I'm going through a depressed time right now, but some of it is due to uncertainty. Are we meant for each other? She likes to be highly committed, but I promised myself I wouldn't even fall in love. Now I've broken my own rule, but to go beyond that?
Should I behonest with her, brutally honest? Her personality, the way she acts, what she likes, are all things I see to prove I should not marry her, that she should bring my children into this world. I love her. She's a great, fantastic woman, so creative, beautiful, and despite what she thinks, highly intelligent in her own way. But just because people get along great emotionally and love each other very much, doesn't mean they should get married right?
Right now I feel like we just need distance. We just need to not see each other for awhile until it becomes so unbearable we run to each others arms. And if that doesn't happen, then we'll sorta see it isn't going to happen. We're supposed to do something friday. The hell if I know...
*sigh* Why do things have to be like this? What's missing? What flame needs to be reignited? We should talk...that's what we need to do. I just need to tell her how I feel.
And I'll do just that. I should not be afraid, and if it does end anything, so be it. I will not live a lie just for the sake of some woman.
Posted at 12:19 am by luster_lacking
9.28.2003
Animal Welfare or Animal Rights?
I came across the PETA website today...
Reminded me of why I was a vegetarian two years ago.
So I'm sitting here, questioning my renewed life of meat-eating. I see their website, and it's the extreme, the same what meat-distribution companies show. They seem to be on an extreme campaign to get people to stop eating meat, using very disturbing visual imagery, but sometimes using very biased information. I read their article over zoos, but all of the information was at least 10 years old, only one bit of it used close to five years ago. Times have changed, conditions have improved, but yes I realize some zoos have poor conditions. Not all do, though, and not every citizen is looking to use the zoo as entertainment. Some people, like myself, go to educate themselves while they are there. PETA uses harsh capmaigns sometimes, like adds that say "Meat...it's whats rotting in your colon." This is just the extreme of the other end. I'm trying to find the balance between it all.
Then there is the issue I am most concerned about, which is my choice to eat meat. Should I? I mean, I went back to eating meat two years ago because I went on a camping trip while I was a veggie and I was completely exhausted and weak the entire time. In fact, while I was a vegetarian I found myself sleeping more, and haveing less nergy, but once I got back to eating meat, I found myself energized. Yes, while I was a veggie I ate nuts, beans, even tofu to compensate, but nothing compared to the real deal.
Humans are omnivores. Back during neanderthalic times, humans didn't have the choice to eat meat. They had to, because it was more readily available and abundant than vegetables. Now, we have a ready supply of both meat and non-meat products. We have a choice. I know I can't go veggie again until I'm out of this household, because it's too hard on my parents, and it costs more money for them to compensate to feed the tree-hugger.
So what do I do? I eat meat only when I need to, because I believe humans are meant to eat meat, but only of their own choice. But I feel bad when I see the conditions in slaughterhouses and know that I am supoorting them by eating that meat. I want to work toward animal welfare, not everything in animal rights. For I have found out AR encompass total equality of animals, while AW says they are not equal, you just need to treat them more humanely.
I believe animals have rights, but humans need meat just like lions and other carnivores do, but we need meat as a choice. I wish there were more humane ways to kill animals at slaughterhouses, like a painless injection to kill them in their sleep. I don't know...I'm confused.
I don't want to choose the extreme that PETA represents, because it seems just as wrong to me as the actions of the people PETA fights against. If any of you, have suggestions, I would gladly appreciate them. I just want to know what path I should choose. Should I eat meat like I do now, only when I need too, and fight for Animal Welfare, or should I become a complete vegan and fight for animal rights and frown upon those who support companies like factory farms and slaughterhouses. I'm at a loss. Maybe sleep might help a bit too. Posted at 02:52 am by luster_lacking
9.27.2003
You know what sucks about this journal? It usually always involves something about my insignificant other. Once again, following that trend, I present to you another rant about her...
I understand how she wants to see her friends, especially the ones that don't come to waco often. I don't know, I just get kinda miffed when I'm blown off for a weekend, since that's the only time I get to see her. Most likely she won't be going to that Ani Difranco concert, which means I might not either. Fan-fucking-tastic...
So I'm sitting here wondering two things...why there's an odd hint of mushroom aroma in my room, and two, should I really still be with Sara? We get along great emotionally and all that. We relate well...but we don't see each other that much, and she only lives a short 10 minute drive away, close to 8 1/2 miles. And I only get to see her once a week. And when we do see each other, we don't go out and do anything together. We sit and watch a movie, but we don't usually go and do something that we both equally enjoy. And even if we do watch that movie, it's something I usually like more, and she's sitting there wishing it was british comedy...okay, now maybe that's over the top, but it's pretty damn near close.
I know I'm not going to see her tomorrow. It's her grandma's birthday. Today...apparently she wants to see one of her friends when we made plans already. Damn, what fun! It's not like we'd do anything anyway...
Things have been weird like this. The issue of what we have in common has been kinda buggin' me lately. And it's almost as if the whole romantic dinner I gave her on our anniversary has blown over. That's what I mean when she doesn't reciprocate the romanticism. I made her nice dinner, by myself, mostly from scratch (except the pasta and the pasta sauce). I made her three cheese tortolinni alfredo flavored with fresh rosemary and basil. I made her portobello and spinach salad with a homemade dressing. Then I made her this sweet pear dessert...to top that, I tried to make her chocolate covered strawberries and I served it all under the stars inside this huge tent, with candle and incense.
I try to be romantic, but sometimes I think it's just not worth it. They don't appreciate it at this age, and if they do, they sure as hell don't show it.
It's whatever...she can go off with her friends and do whatever. I'll talk to her sometime in the future, and whatever happens then will happen.
Crazy bitches!
Endnote: The author of this journal by no means thinks that all women in the world are crazy bitches. Just the ones he has dated. Posted at 11:36 am by luster_lacking
9.26.2003
Ani Difranco Is So Much Better Than RHPS
Man! Am I aching for a fight! Seriously...too much testosterone. I'd masturbate to release the tension, but angry masturbation is dangerous masturbation. Remember that, kiddos.
Well, I was going to see Underworld tonight, but it seems mi padre is miffed with my sister, so he isn't going to provide a ride. Coulda spent some time with my girlfriend, but her period is coming up and she just went to the gyno today, so I didn't want to risk hanging around her when she might get irritable.
Speaking of the ol' ball and chain, it seems she can't decide if she wants to go see Ani Difranco or go to some Rocky Horror Picture Show shite. her mom might not let her go down to austin twice in the same month, so she might have to choose between which one. Is it just me, or this is an easy decision? It's Ani D, hands down.
First of all, that's something that happens every year, and is usually the same experience everytime. Ani D comes down to texas maybe once every two years, and its rare that's doing it again within a year of her last performance. And a concert is a different experience everytime, and she's never seen Ani D in concert before, but she's still having trouble deciding? Christ!
Secondly, we don't do many things togetehr as a couple. I mean, we hang out and stuff, but we don't go to movies together or stuff like that which we both equally enjoy. This is one of the few interests we have in common that we both pretty much like the same. On top of that, she might still be in texas next year. I'm most likely going to be in Colorado. We don't get many opportunities like this. Gah...once again proof that girls around this age have romantic ADD. I need to find a good 30-ish year old woman. I don't need to be in serious relationships with girls like these...
At times I feel like I'm lieing to her. I love her, but there are times where I do believe she isn't that great of a girlfriend. I mean, she's better than all the rest, fantastic even, but I guess I do have high standards. I would enjoy if a girl were as romantic as I am to them, or at least reciprocated that much, but Sara really doesn't do that too often. In fact, very rarely do those times occur.
But I've learned from all the relationships in the past. I don't need to look for a serious relationship. I'm enjoying this one, but there have been a few times recently where it sort of teetered on the edge of becoming something that might end the relationship.
Bah...I don't need to think about this shite. I think I'm just going to take it easy tomorrow. Turn in this job application, maybe do some scholarship stuff, and if I'm up to it, see Sara.
Posted at 10:22 pm by luster_lacking
9.25.2003
I came across something a friend of mine wrote in her journal. It was about the future, where all of us might be going, or what might happen to us later in life. She said she's going to end up at UMHB after graduation, attending the same college as one of her good friends. On the same note, that very friend made a note that everyone ends up going to college with one of their high school friends. Besides the fact that she thinks she's always right, it's almost true. Everyone I know is planning on going to MCC, or UT in Austin, or UT in Dallas, or A&M.
Me? I'm probably going to end up at Colorado State if I have my way. No one I know is going there, not even my girlfriend. I want to get out of texas so bad. I could go to mcc for two years free if I wanted, since I'm in the top 3% of my class. That would be more cost-effective, but there are so many sheisty people here in waco, some even going to mcc. UT in austin or dallas has those same pricks attending it that I'm trying to avoid. That's why I want to go to CSU, to get away from it all and in a way start over.
Despite some of my closest friends being highly open-minded, most were still born and raised here in waco. I really wasn't meant for this place. I got stuck here, and if I don't get out as soon as possible, I'll always be here.
One of my friends from theatre made a really nice comment to me today. She was rehearsing with her group after school and I stayed to watch. Later on, I was asked to read for a part since the actor who played that role was busy taking a test. So I went up there, read the lines, and left. Well, she came up to me and said I was really good.
It meant alot to me, because I really can't bolster my own self-esteem. I've only been acting for two years now, and in my first year, I snagged the lead role in the UIL play, won two medals for my performance, and later won the Best Male Actor in a Lead Role at my school. I'm a natural actor, and I guess that's due largely to the fact that I'm such an energetic and creative person. It would be so great to someday star in a huge, blockbuster movie someday. I could die happy.
But life has just barely begun. It is the end of the beginning. I must keep my focus strong. Like Uncle Ben said in Spider-Man...
"These are the days where you shape yourself into the man you're going to be for the rest of your life." Posted at 09:20 pm by luster_lacking
9.16.2003
Sitting here aching over completely stupid issues when I should be working on a scholarship I need sent off by Thursday. Yet, here I am, once again using this journal to vent my thoughts over, yes, you guessed it, Sara...
As days go by, I start to believe we aren't meant for each other. But she believes in us so adamantly that she's near ready to spend the rest of her life with me. I told her I wasn't sure, but that I was near positive that she would always be apart of my life. How can she believe that what we have will last? We've only been dating six months (exactly this day). That is no measure of the next 50 years. We haven't been fully tested with a long distance relationship, even though we only see each other once a week. And though liking different things is alright, it does bother me. I don't want my loved one coming to some movie premiere with me just to make me happy. I want them to go because they enjoy it, too, and want to see it as much as I do.
She's into british comedy, dumb comedy, and bad horror flicks. I'm into action, fantasy/science fiction, and emotional dramas. I heard plans she's going to so Rocky Horror thing in October...yet another event she's attending that I'm not. Why am I not going? Because what I want for myself, I give to others. I don't want people humoring me, so I won't go to a RHPS event just to please my significant other. I wanna do something special for our anniversary, but now?
I don't know...I feel like being alone. It's one of those times of the year. Two or three times every year, I hit an extreme low. Last time was at the end of May, now I'm experiencing one at the brink of Fall. I'm positive that's it...
Or maybe we just aren't extremely compatible? We're highly passionate with each other, and are really emotionally supportive for one another, but sometimes...I just sit and wonder like I am right now. If I keep feeling like this, I'm just going to say screw it to the whole anniversary thing. I don't feel like celebrating what my heart's not into.
Someone drop me a line, a tag, a comment, something. Anytime...my yahoo screen name is yoga_man04
"Are you living in the real world?" Posted at 11:42 pm by luster_lacking
9.14.2003
Labels suck...
They truly do. But every human has the need to classify something, so it becomes easier to recognize and associate. The case goes for anything, from labeling religions and people, to movies and books. The latter I experienced to night. My girlfriend went with one of her friends to see yet another horrible horror movie that was raved to be so fucking good. She knew me well enough not to invite me. I hate horror movies, because aren't they supposed to be 'horrifying?' Horror movies usually have horrible plots, bad acting, and too much fake gore. The good horror movies are classified as Thrillers. The scariest movie I've seen lately was One Hour Photo, because not only was that possible to happen in reality, it was also a bit scary to experience if you were those people. Not that it was really scary, but it got closer than any other movie before. Probably the best horror movie I've seen lately was 28 days later. Good flick, but still sucked as an overall film because it lacked proper character development, a decent plot, or characters for that matter. They were just thrown in there and you were expected to be scared when they were.
*sigh* But I'm getting off topic. Point is, my g/f came over for a short bit, and one of the first things she said was "Lord of the Rings sucks." Now I can stand this comment from strangers and regular friends, who only know me well enough to make such shallow and superficial comments about me and what I like, but from my girlfriend? The rest of the time she was there was spent in awkward silence. I didn't wanna say anything b/c I was pissed. I know she won't ever like LotR, but I wish she would try and make an effort to appreciate it, not because its just a great book or a good movie, but also because she should expand her horizons and views if she ever wishes to become a good artist. I try to make an effort with her fanatical obsession with everything British, why can't she do so with me? She may have sat through LotR, but that's all she did: sat. I watch her Brit Com and actually try to absorb it, and if I don't like it, I don't tell her it sucks. Christ!
We'll never see eye to eye, bit in truth I believe I am more open-minded than most, b/c I try everything before I make my own personal judgement. She makes her judgement of LotR without having actually read the book. I read Harry Potter. Good for people who like that stuff, not badly written, but not my cup of tea. I've read Anne Rice briefly, and liked her less than Rowling, b/c Rice seems to act as if she owns the whole Gothic Vamp department. Although th Rice rpesumption is less justified since I never fully read any of her books. Anyway, I called both of them Trash Fiction writers, a nuetral term I use. She took it offensive, but then I compared someone I realy like, Anne McCaffrey as also a trash fiction writer. Tolkien, though, is not. He didn't write just a great story, he was also a great literary writer in general.
Whatever...it isn't that much of a deal. But it's one of those things that does make a difference in the end. If we really don't love all of the same things, she really isn't someone I see marrying. We get along great emotionally, but are likes are so different, I see it as an issue that'll build up in the future.
trying to cool down right now. Reinforcing Tolkien greatness by some LotR music. Anyone out there who loves Tolkien, thinks he's a great writer, or just enjoys LotR, leave me a tag or a comment. Help a lonely fantasy-lover feel like he's not alone out there.
Posted at 12:57 am by luster_lacking
9.9.2003
Wait? Did I just title this entry Quizzie Poo? Damn my old chemistry teacher. Damn her I say!
I found this quiz on a friend of a friend's livejournal, so I decided to fill it out myself. A closer look at this guy's love life.
name: Colin
starsign: Aries/Pisces
sexual orientation: I have a wang. It's meant for women...only.
in a relationship now?: Indeed, a rather enjoyable one at that
number of relationships longer than 3 months: Including current one, three I think
number of relationships shorter than a month: Three on that one too
longest relationship: Nigh upon eight months
ever lived with a s/o?: Nope
ever done the long distance thing?: No, just long distance sweet talk
do you have faith in long distance relationships?: If both parties are truly committed, it can work. If we're talking long months at a time without seeing someone I don't know. Sexual frustration can get in the way, and masturbation is not always a solution. So you might have a partner sleep with someone else, and that usually compliactes things and proves grounds for not working out.
do you date?: I try when I'm available
on dates do you pay or get paid for?: I try to always pay, unless my date prefers otherwise
describe your typical date: Walk in the park, dinner, and maybe a movie afterward
ever been on a blind date?: Nope, maybe some other day
ever dated more than one person at a time?: Not a playa
do you call or get called?: bit a both
ever have "friends with benefits"?: no
ever cheated?: no, and hopefully never will
ever had your heart broken?: plenty o' times
ever been dumped?: sorta kinda
ever dumped someone?: see above
number of people slept with: as in sex? none
last sexual episode: last saturday night
do you kiss on the first date?: If it the mood is right and if it feels right
what kind of person gets your number?: People I like
what attracts you to a person?: Personality, sound of the voice, skin, eyes, intelligence, smile
ever been in love?: Only once...only now
ever said I love you even though you didn't mean it?: Yes
have any bitter ex's?: Two words...restraining order
bitter towards any ex's?: Only one right now. I made amends with the others
oldest person you've dated: Six days
youngest person you've dated: Close to a year maybe
average age you get involved with: Two to three years older or younger...well, thats more of a guideline really
have relationships changed you?: How could they not?
have your relationships been worthwhile?: Despite some of their endings...the happy moments, real or fake, are something I appreciate
where do you normally meet people for dating or relationships?: Somewhere I frequent often
what defines a s/o?: Significance
would you ever get married?: Yes I do. Most definitely.
key to a successful relationship: Communication, Honesty, Love, Survival (thanks Enigma)
best attribute you bring to a relationship: Maturity and Sincerity
worst attribute you bring to a relationship: Paranoia
Hey, if anyone out there gets bored and needs to waste some time, drop off your answers to these questions in the comments. Think of it like a Mutual Boredom Solution act. That's all folks. I'm out for who knows how long...
"We experience that survival is the key to the Gravity of Love." Posted at 11:43 pm by luster_lacking
9.7.2003
DUUUUUDE!!!!
I saw the most kick-ass swords online tonight, most for under $30! You have no idea how much I like swords, nay, love them! Check out http://www.nuklearpower.com read about the character Fighter, and his love for swords explains my love for swords!
But there is a point to getting them besides having shiny, pointy things. In the spring, I'm getting to direct a play written by myself, and it's a highly action packed play. There's love and comedy and everything, but almost every role has an active part. I plan on staging alot of really nice fight scenes, the climatic one hopefully using real swords. But functional swords for $20? That's a wet dream baby!
My friend Adam has about four swords of his own, which I may borrow for school use, but if I get some of my own, I can have some to keep forever. Two collection hobbies of mine. Coins & Currency, and Swords. Both signs of power. Both very shiny!
*sigh* Anyway, I should hit the sack soon. Didn't do much today. Made covers for my club folders, homework, and lounged around. Shoulda done more, but oh well. FFX-2 comes out in December, so I don't have to starve to earn the money in time, but FFXI comes out next month apparently. With new accesories for the PS2, start-up fee, cost of the game, and monthly fee, initially the game is gonna cost me $100 or more. Gotta have it though...as a loyal FF fan, I must own and play all the games, whether they suck or not. but just because I said that doesn't mean I'm going to go out and find a super nintendo and buy Mystic Quest again...that game was a load of crap! Worst. Game. Ever...next to Everquest.
"See you later Cowboy."
Posted at 11:58 pm by luster_lacking
My love left half an hour ago...
Now I sit here, depressed, wading in self-pity about a problem no one gives a shite about. Christ Colin, you told yourself you weren't going to do this! I made a promise I wouldn't get so attached...I don't need to! It's more harm than good. But I love her...why? A girl I thought I was just going to have a good time with has turned into the first girl I've ever loved. It wasn't supposed to be this way...why did I have to meet her now?
I told her that last week, that I was sorry; Sorry she had to meet me at this time in my life. Maybe we can work through it, but it hurt me so much tonight when she left.
I'm not going to get to see her for another week. Some couples can go through long distance, not seeing each other for weeks, but she lives a ten minute drive away, and I only see her once or twice a week, usually on the weekends. Seeing her at lunch is one thing, but we hardly have alone time, one-on-one quality time together. We eat lunch sometimes, or go somewhere and goof around, but I don't get those moments I love the most. The moments where I can just hold her in my arms, or make serious, passionate love to her...well, not in the sense of intercourse. We haven't really yet...there are times where it would seem right, but I don't know...I'm a hopeless romantic, always will be. And since I love her, I want the first time with her, the first time for me, to be special; something I'll look back upon and not regret.
I miss her. I want her. I need her.
I love her.
In other news, today was good. Slept late, did some laundry, called up a friend and we cruised around time. Picked up the Cowboy Bebop Movie (Yes!) and did some wasteful spending by buying a six dollar plastic sword. It looks cool, neat design and everything, and I figured if we do the Hobbit at school this november, we could use it as an orc-sword. And maybe when I get to do this play I'm writing for the spring, I can use it then to. I plan on donating it to the theatre department when I graduate. *sigh* Should'na but did. Oh well.
Now I have ten dollars for lunch next week, but I need 15. I think I'll just not eat lunch the rest of this week and save it. If I do that for the next three weeks, I'll have forty dollars saved up, and be just ten bucks away from FFX-2. Until I get a job, my bi-monthly lunch allowance of thirty bucks will have to suffice.
Maybe this tutoring application I'm putting in will go through. They only have 13 positions open, for 9-12 graders in each of the three high schools in Waco. I think I'm well qualified. I'm graduating on the Athens plan, not the recommended (that's a good thing). I just hope it will work out. It's two hours after school at a local middle school for two hours everyday, Monday through Thursday. It pays ten bucks an hour, and I can put in an hour, hour and a half in every one of those days. 6 hours every week, 60 bucks earned. Close to 250 dollars every month. Thats cash I could use, and experience that may get me another job. I hope it works out. I'm going to try and apply for two jobs tomorrow, or in the next week. A boot store, and a local Shlotzski's...or however you spell it. I need a job and I need money.
So tomorrow will consist of helping my dad fix the front gate and put in some more logs down for the front garden-ish area, doing a small homework assignment, studying for a physiology/anatomy test soming up on tuesday, and organizing the theatre officers folder and biology/ecology club folder. Any free time will be spent on scholarships, registering for stuff, and trying to keep up with my RPG of three years since I don't make it by but once a week.
Sara has two projects due soon so thats why i can't see her. She needs to do those. School comes first. I'm hoping that maybe, just maybe, tuesday night or sometime soon during the week, not at a lunch time, I'll see her. She had too much sugar tonight. She got silly, so it was nice, but not super romantic. I swear, that girl can't take much of anything before it hits her hard. She can only have a few glasses of champagne or she'll get tipsy, and only a few lifesavers and sour twists make her highly energetic. Different for me. It takes a whole lotta sugar to get me hyper. Even mountain dew, which has more caffeine than a glass of coffee, can't get me hyper. It takes like three cans.
Now I'm rambling, which is my cue to leave. I might watch a little bebop or just go straight to bed. My mind is too stressed right now to think. And I've got alot on my mind...school, clubs, money, college, love life. The works...
"I'm just a humble bounty hunter, ma'am." Posted at 01:54 am by luster_lacking
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