Yeah, you guessed it, her...
Why the fuck were we all created to eventually reproduce? I would not be in the shit I am today if I didn't have to worry about women. Sara wants to have sex so bad...she keeps pressuring all the time, whenever we start snuggling, or making out, she always says something like "You can't believe how much I want you in me..."
*sigh* No I'm not gay It's just...I don't know. I thought things were going to be different. I always hopes my first time would be with someone I love dearly (one check), in the heat of passionate love (second check), and it would be the most romantic thing ever (oooh! swing and miss). With Sara...the romanticism just doesn't seem to be there. Everytime I do something romantic for her, i never gets reciprocated. Nothing passionate or romantic happens then, and she never trys to get in that romantic mindset later. She's all contemporary, desensitized by sex and stuff, with no hold, grasp, or appreciation for old-fashioned chivalry.
So whenever she brings up sex, she says it so plainly. Literally she talks about wanting to have sex like: "So when do you wanna fuck?" *sigh* Like I said before, I want a woman who is a crazy girl, but who readily can turn into that pile of girly girl much when a guy does something romantic for her. I'm dating a girl who thought she was in love with a guy who had no feelings for her, kind of a sleeze bag, and has no sense of romanticism. Girls my age have romantic ADD. THey think they know what love and romanticism is, but when it hits them dead in the face, they're oblivious.
There's also the worry that even though she's on the pill, I could still get her pregnant, even if I also used a condom. I'm so paranoid and worried about that. I'm just so fucking worried about that shite. But that major problem is her lack of finesse about the situation. I would have had no problem fucking her early in the relationship, but now it's not a matter of fucking. It's making love...heh, I always thought that was a funny term to use, because of two people have sex and they love each other, there is no need to 'make' love. It's already there. It's more like 'share' love.
And I love Sara, but I'm on that line with her. Do I want her to be my first? She said she loved her old boyfriend Michael, who obviously just used her for sex. She says she hates him, but just loves sex. So she enjoyed it with him, still retains that love for it with him even though she hates him? Is this someone who I want to be my first? To make love to? If I just fucked her...it would be over. I know if we had sex and it was just fucking, our relationship would end. I don't want to do that to her. I'm too nice of a guy to do that to someone I love.
Plus tonight, I went shopping with her to find stuff for my halloween costume. I was looking at a samurai costume and all she could say was 'Oh god, thats so tacky' Granted it sorta was, but when I told her I was thinking of going as a samurai that 'Oh...' feeling came over her, like she had just said the wrong thing...which she did. I think she's going as a fairy or some other gothic form of a fantasy creature. Me? Samurai...We're so...opposite. This keeps bugging me more and more. She thinks people like Rowan Atkinson and Rik Myall are some of the sexiest men ever and that they are some of the most talented ones too. SHe's an Anglophile, wants to move to England...if she did, I would not wait for her.
Granted some people are opposite and get along great, but she's not good opposite. THe things I like annoy her and vice versa. Though she swallows it in front of me, I don't want her patronizing me. I know when her friends talk smack about something I like she's just going to join right in. In front of me, she keeps silent. I hate that...it's cowardly in a way.
I just have to be in a bad mood...that has to be it...maybe some sleep will help. Maybe friday will be fun. If not...if this keeps happening...I can expect only the worse.