Maybe it's just me and my personality. Should I be more open? Do I try too hard against the coming tide, so in the end I just come out looking like a cynical asshole? Getting out tonight helped...I shouldn't mourn myself into a brooding depression. Negative energy does not aide negative energy. I have to be positive for Bogi, so his energy can find it's way back to the planet, or to the next life.
But yet tonight, with all my friends, I felt out of place. Maybe I'm still in the sad state before finally moving on? Even worse...all my friends were giving gifts, and two of them gave me something. Enough to make me feel bad...I hate not having money or a job, and I hate it more when people expect me to have money and be rich. I'm like the poorest kid out of my group of friends, yet just because I wear good clothes, they think I'm just some upper middle class white kid. They fail to realize all of my clothes are hand me downs from my brother who gets most of his clothes from department stores he's worked at.
I need to get out of this town. I need to get out and see the world, and make a new impression on new people. My girlfriend thinks its so easy to just change who I am. Well, I mean she knows it can't happen instantly, but she doesn't realize I can't change. I can't change from something people have always known me to be. I just need to leave and close this chapter of my life.
Of course, I think that means Sara, too. She's the best girl I've ever dated, but all the things I've been motivated to do for her I usually do anyway when dating someone. I think the girl who is meant to be with me is going to be someone so fantastic, it changes my way of life entirely. Sara has done a bit of that, but not full blown.
I don't know. Life is confusing at this point. This is by far the worst christmas ever.
I don't know. Life is confusing at this point. This is by far the worst christmas ever.